Cohabitation

I'm gonna get lynched on this one... I know this is a very sensitive subject to be writing about; trust me, you don't want to get into a polemic with someone that zealously defends the notion of living together before marriage. Nevertheless, this is something that I wanted to write (or rather, transcribe) for quite some time now:


Understanding what will make us happy as men and women is like seeing a man, behind a fence, walk with erratic movements. At first you might think he is a little drunk only to realize that he is actually walking with two big dogs: Often we do not have the whole picture. Our view is limited to what we see and feel, to what's visible and sensible. However, there is an entire world that cannot be immediately seen and yet is still very real. We cannot see gravity, but we can see its effects when we knock over a glass of water.

As human beings, we cannot see our soul, yet we can see its effects -when we love another, or when a mother stays up late nursing her new born baby. The spiritual is very real, and the marvelous thing about our spiritual dimension is that it needs something tangible to express it. It needs a body. And it is in that same body that we can express our soul: our innermost dreams, desires and wishes; our innermost self.

So, what does this have to do with cohabitation? Well, let's first define what cohabitation is. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, to cohabit is to live together as or as if a married couple. Ok, if your planning to marry the person, then cohabitation might seem to make practical sense, right? You know, it gives you time to get to the person; see compatibility issues, etc. Well, not really. It is actually very dangerous on a spiritual and interpersonal level. Why? Because you are giving yourself to the other in pieces with the hope that some day this will make a whole. But, you might object, you won't know whether you are compatible unless you try it out first... Something in the lines of: "You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive." But to compare a human person to something inanimate completely overlooks the extraordinary dignity of the human person. If you are seriously contemplating living life as a married person, you should know that marriage is a permanent bond of love that is open to new life; as such, it is impossible to "try it out," precisely because it is permanent. Imagine someone putting an Apple store and selling you his products just to say: "I just want to let you know, I'm not really an Apple representative. I'm just trying out. The product you just bought is not really an Apple product." You would be offended because his actions were not authentic; they were not honest. Likewise, if you look behind the fence of cohabitation and see the whole picture, it is really dishonest. Dishonest because you're purposely negating yourself, and your couple, something that you both seek: To love and be loved in return.

I know I may not make sense to many right now. You may argue that living together doesn't feel that way, it doesn't feel dishonest, but objectively that is what's happening. The very decision not to commit "for life" and therefore to hold something back (like crossing your fingers while shaking someone's hand) violates the "handshake" of your living together.

The full truth is that living together is an expression of the marital relationship, not of a dating relationship or even of an engaged relationship. Most people know this in their heart of hearts. They know that cohabitation is only a substitute for marriage, but they're hoping it's a step on the road to the real thing. They are hoping that this partial union will lead them to a real union. However, "hope" is not the same as the commitment that comes with the public confession of marriage.

Addendum: Check this study published by the Journal of Family Psychology published on 2010 to further prove this point: http://goo.gl/nh1NU


* This was taken from one brochure of Christopher West's talks on The Theology of the Body by B. John Paul II. If you want to find out where does this whole reasoning comes from, you can read JPII's Theology of the Body here.
* The image was taken from this article from Gizmodo.com