Solitude
Hi Δ-Α!
I am posting this almost a week after I first started writing it for the first time. It was, at first, a somewhat difficult subject to reflect upon, but here it is. To be honest, I wasn't planning to write something so soon, but I realized that today (that is, when I first started writing on September 13th), one year ago, we went to Varadero, I had to write something. I have to say that our time in Varadero was one of the most Awesome (notice the capital 'A') that I've ever had! Granted, I'm also pretty sure that that was also around the time that I've gain around 10kg (which, just now, I managed to shake off). Nevertheless, I still think it was the most Awesome time ever!
It was a time that I will forever treasure in my heart; a time which I will always thank God for. While I will always look at that time with a profound happiness, there is also a small hint of sadness because of the hard truth that I will not be able to share times like that with you anymore. It feels lonely.
Don't get me wrong, I have many people besides me which do not make me feel lonely, and I thank God for letting me have them around me while also knowing that they are there for me. But in a way, there is a physical loneliness and longing of your presence which translates into a solitude of the heart.
This loneliness from the heart is something that sometimes gives me the impression that nobody loves me; other times, it gives me the impression that I have nobody to love. It is a very palpable form of solitude; in the past, this solitude has also clouded my spirit by not having something to hope for. At one point, this experience of solitude became so intense that it was just unbearable and I just wanted to get away from it. And it happened that I wanted so much to leave this solitude that I was ready to do anything to get out. Imagine a house on fire. The heat is so unbearable that people inside of it need to get of there as fast as they can. Like that.
Why? Why do I have this experience this loneliness? What is the reason for this? What is MY reason? These questions made echo of some other questions about my identity that I always come back to: Who am I? Where do I come from? Where am I heading to? Questions which, in the midst of all the work that I have on my shoulders, I am trying to reanswer to give new meaning to my current point in life.
Normally, these questions are questions in which I make a heavy use of my Christian faith. Faith, in this case, is a big help. The big richness that I have found in faith helps me answer the fundamental questions that every so often I bump into, as well as respond to the mystery of solitude that I have experienced since you were gone.
I know, in my mind and in my heart, that Jesus is God with us. Jesus is God with me, and knowing this, I know that I am never alone (ひとりじゃない). I know that God is also with you, as well as my prayers. Thinking about the fact that God is with me, makes it so much easier for me to see that His presence always brings me a light of strength, inner peace, and wisdom to continue living, whatever the concrete circumstance of life that I may be going through.
Sure, it is much easier to have this train of thought (hamster wheel as you use to say!) whenever I am going through a difficult time. But you know why it's easier? It's because I can feel more easily the solidarity that comes from Jesus. This faith in Jesus fills the solitude of my spirit and the solitude of my heart.
This love of Señor Jesús (sorry for the change in language. Whenever I talk about our Lord, I need to refer to him by his Spanish name because it just feels more natural to me) for me reminds me that I am also called to love. And it's not just a regular call for love as when I would call your name to come down to eat supper. No. This is an irredeemable thrist for love which I am always looking to quench... But that I sometimes I forget...
Why would I forget something that is so ingrained in me? Simple. It's because I forget that I can only renew and grow stronger in this vocation by leaving my comfort zone and reach out to the other children of God: my brothers and sisters. I forget that I was not made to live alone. I forget that it is not enough to believe in Señor Jesús, but to also reach out to people who may or may not believe in him. I sometimes forget the importance of having a community where I can grow in love and I look to do things my way. "Love one another as I loved you" he said. What better way to learn how to love if not by being part of a community of people who want to love as the Master loves? A brotherhood, a fraternity, a fellowship of people that seek to experience the love of God and reach out to others (who might be lonely) with a smile, so that they too can experience God's love in first person.
I have a Thrist for love. God is Love. God is infinite and absolute. Therefore, I have a Thirst for infinite and absolute. My heart is in a quest for something infinite, something absolute. When the absolute presents itself in quantities is never enough. God gave me a foretaste of this absolute by allowing me, in His infinite Mercy, to enjoy a wonderful time with you. Now that you're gone, the solitude that I feel is because my heart continues to yearn for this absolute. I was made by love, for love, and to love. And while you may always stay close to my heart, I know that through the gift of faith, I can walk with Señor Jesús to continue to find courage and strength to quench this thrist while also reaching out to others that might be living in solitude. Together, we can all walk towards God, who made us for love, by love.
I don't have specific answers to give regarding solitude. This entry is mostly to reflect on my own solitude and my experience with it. I just ask the Good Lord for a faith that will allow me to have trust in Him no matter what my concrete circumstance of life may be.
I am posting this almost a week after I first started writing it for the first time. It was, at first, a somewhat difficult subject to reflect upon, but here it is. To be honest, I wasn't planning to write something so soon, but I realized that today (that is, when I first started writing on September 13th), one year ago, we went to Varadero, I had to write something. I have to say that our time in Varadero was one of the most Awesome (notice the capital 'A') that I've ever had! Granted, I'm also pretty sure that that was also around the time that I've gain around 10kg (which, just now, I managed to shake off). Nevertheless, I still think it was the most Awesome time ever!
Awesome!
It was a time that I will forever treasure in my heart; a time which I will always thank God for. While I will always look at that time with a profound happiness, there is also a small hint of sadness because of the hard truth that I will not be able to share times like that with you anymore. It feels lonely.
Don't get me wrong, I have many people besides me which do not make me feel lonely, and I thank God for letting me have them around me while also knowing that they are there for me. But in a way, there is a physical loneliness and longing of your presence which translates into a solitude of the heart.
This loneliness from the heart is something that sometimes gives me the impression that nobody loves me; other times, it gives me the impression that I have nobody to love. It is a very palpable form of solitude; in the past, this solitude has also clouded my spirit by not having something to hope for. At one point, this experience of solitude became so intense that it was just unbearable and I just wanted to get away from it. And it happened that I wanted so much to leave this solitude that I was ready to do anything to get out. Imagine a house on fire. The heat is so unbearable that people inside of it need to get of there as fast as they can. Like that.
Why? Why do I have this experience this loneliness? What is the reason for this? What is MY reason? These questions made echo of some other questions about my identity that I always come back to: Who am I? Where do I come from? Where am I heading to? Questions which, in the midst of all the work that I have on my shoulders, I am trying to reanswer to give new meaning to my current point in life.
Normally, these questions are questions in which I make a heavy use of my Christian faith. Faith, in this case, is a big help. The big richness that I have found in faith helps me answer the fundamental questions that every so often I bump into, as well as respond to the mystery of solitude that I have experienced since you were gone.
I know, in my mind and in my heart, that Jesus is God with us. Jesus is God with me, and knowing this, I know that I am never alone (ひとりじゃない). I know that God is also with you, as well as my prayers. Thinking about the fact that God is with me, makes it so much easier for me to see that His presence always brings me a light of strength, inner peace, and wisdom to continue living, whatever the concrete circumstance of life that I may be going through.
Sure, it is much easier to have this train of thought (hamster wheel as you use to say!) whenever I am going through a difficult time. But you know why it's easier? It's because I can feel more easily the solidarity that comes from Jesus. This faith in Jesus fills the solitude of my spirit and the solitude of my heart.
This love of Señor Jesús (sorry for the change in language. Whenever I talk about our Lord, I need to refer to him by his Spanish name because it just feels more natural to me) for me reminds me that I am also called to love. And it's not just a regular call for love as when I would call your name to come down to eat supper. No. This is an irredeemable thrist for love which I am always looking to quench... But that I sometimes I forget...
Why would I forget something that is so ingrained in me? Simple. It's because I forget that I can only renew and grow stronger in this vocation by leaving my comfort zone and reach out to the other children of God: my brothers and sisters. I forget that I was not made to live alone. I forget that it is not enough to believe in Señor Jesús, but to also reach out to people who may or may not believe in him. I sometimes forget the importance of having a community where I can grow in love and I look to do things my way. "Love one another as I loved you" he said. What better way to learn how to love if not by being part of a community of people who want to love as the Master loves? A brotherhood, a fraternity, a fellowship of people that seek to experience the love of God and reach out to others (who might be lonely) with a smile, so that they too can experience God's love in first person.
I have a Thrist for love. God is Love. God is infinite and absolute. Therefore, I have a Thirst for infinite and absolute. My heart is in a quest for something infinite, something absolute. When the absolute presents itself in quantities is never enough. God gave me a foretaste of this absolute by allowing me, in His infinite Mercy, to enjoy a wonderful time with you. Now that you're gone, the solitude that I feel is because my heart continues to yearn for this absolute. I was made by love, for love, and to love. And while you may always stay close to my heart, I know that through the gift of faith, I can walk with Señor Jesús to continue to find courage and strength to quench this thrist while also reaching out to others that might be living in solitude. Together, we can all walk towards God, who made us for love, by love.
I don't have specific answers to give regarding solitude. This entry is mostly to reflect on my own solitude and my experience with it. I just ask the Good Lord for a faith that will allow me to have trust in Him no matter what my concrete circumstance of life may be.
Let us ask for a faith that allows us to have trust in God no matter what the circumstances of life.— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) September 13, 2016
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