The good man
Γεια σου, Δ.Α.!
So, I was talking with a friend of mine today and somehow she ended up telling me about a friend of hers that I should meet. This friend of hers (she told me) is very religious and that is why I should meet her. To be honest, I run away from very religious people... Crazy! I know! Considering I am very religious myself! I just don't like very religious people.
Well, I'm not being fair here. I do admire and wish to be like people who are very religious BUT who are also very reason oriented. That is, I don't like people that "blindly follow religion". I treat them with reverence and charity, but I don't feel comfortable with them. It's quite the dichotomy... I myself am very religious... You know that... But I am also a person of Science and Engineering (I was born for this). Reason has a huge role to play the way I lead my life. But so does faith.
For me, as a scientist and a believer, Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth; and God has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth—in a word, to know himself—so that, by knowing and loving God, men and women may also come to the fullness of truth about themselves.[1]
Anyway, thinking about about love in a relationship, I remember an entry I wrote (in Spanish) a long time ago (August 3rd, 2011!) and which I didn't translate to English. I though it was a good time to do it know.
In many occasions, I have heard how some of my friends (who are girls) ask themselves things like "Why is it so difficult to find a good man? Where are the good men? Why Do I always find the wrong guy?" And things like that.
I'm no love guru. Moreover, many of the people I know would even go as far as to say that I am an ignorant whenever the subject of relationships comes into play. It is understandable given my 'little experience' in this field. Nevertheless, a love relationship between a man and a woman, like a fraternal, filial, or paternal relationship, has behind it the same premises to be able to live it authentically. It is not only through one's own experience that one learns. I think we can learn from other's experiences. Whether they come from oral tradition (like family and friends), or through books.
I know I have still a lot to work in order to become someone just, wise, and loving as my father or other amazing men I have had the blessing to meet. Nevertheless, I still want to share with you what I have been able to learn (according to my Catholic faith, because, let's face it, I am Catholic) on what is it that makes a good man, good. (As a small parenthesis, I do not consider myself anywhere near close to this ideal good man)
I believe that a good man needs to see the dating period as an activity that will lead to marriage. He cannot see it as a "thing you just do." He needs to have a real intent to allow this dating period to become serious and take responsibility for the love that might develop. He needs to be capable to look for a woman with the purpose to find someone that could be an adequate partner for marriage. He needs to be capable to take the decision to live with her a life of love, compromise, and responsibility in the sacrament of marriage.
It is for these reasons that a good man cannot be afraid of commitment. Yes, we have to acknowledge that a certain level of 'apprehension' is natural: Nevertheless, it is a nervousness that does not need to disturb the the development of the capacity to act for Love. And it is this engagement that propels the good man to take the concept of being the seeker with seriousness and good will since he know that to search for the heart of one he loves is a role and a task for all his life. The good man looks to make the woman he loves feel special and he cannot stop to search for her even when he has already found her (that is, when they are married).
Obviously, during this search, the good man know that he will be rejected multiple times before finding the right person. Nevertheless, the good man accepts the rejection with elegance and with respect, never trying to inflict negativity in the woman for her decision because he recognizes that an authentic search is always done with charity and chastity (in other words, far from lust or control). It is a selfless search, where he seeks the good and the happiness of the woman, even at the risk of being rejected; but, by the same token, the good man needs to be willing to try to search for the woman he loves again after an initial rejection. Sometimes, a rejection is only part of playing hard to get. The woman may not know how to interpret the search of the man; she may even be tempted to reject him because she's uncertain. The good man is intelligent and observes this, and is willing to accept risk of rejection, even through multiple times. That is why, the good man know that the moment to present himself is important since he doesn't want to be taken as stalker or make the woman feel uncomfortable; and if there is doubt, he accepts the initial rejection with dignity and keeps moving forward.
The good man is humble. He always keeps in mind that the woman must also deal with his inconsistencies; that is why he is willing to practice patience, which is a virtue that is acquired throughout life. The good man needs to be willing to grow in patience throughout the dating period and during marriage because if he doesn't, he runs the risk of becoming a scourge for the woman he loves instead of a blessing. And humbleness and patience grow in the good man when the go together with docility, which is a critical ability in the role of a husband within the context of marriage. This skill to tolerate and to compromise makes the good man someone who is not too rigid nor too lax in his way of acting with his partner.
All it is all these characteristics that make the good man someone worthy of trust. He knows how to lead and he knows how to work hard and focus in resolving his own problems. He also know how to share them with the woman that God put in his way and this type of sharing allows the women to know that she is dealing with a man that is responsible of himself, someone who irradiates security. This security comes from the fact that the good man knows himself and keeps his self-respect, his dignity, and his trust in that Good loves him. Because of this, the good man has to take the initiative in the relationship to make sure to get rid of pornography or any other impurity in his life. He tries to be someone chaste and pure.
Finally, the good man has a vocation to serve others. Marriage implies a life where one serves, where one looks after his wife's happiness, well-being, and peace. For this last one, the good man needs to have inner peace; and inner peace comes only from a strong prayer life. The good man remains connected to the Lord, his Church, and the sacraments, specially confession and the Eucharist. A poor prayer life takes man to seek himself, and disconnects him from the fountain of grace. It is impossible to live the spousal love without having Christ as his center. And in order for Christ to the its center, he needs to know him and he needs to know that he is called to live in the sacrament of marriage; and to know this, the good man studies and memorizes the teachings of the Church about the end and purpose of marriage.
I think this is a good guideline that we can use to allows us to know whenever we have a good man in front of us. I am lucky enough to have in my life people who have embodied all of this characteristics. Sure, they have their defects and they are definitely not perfect... But they are a great example of a good man. Me, as a man, I still have a lot of work to do. Yes... But I am working on it. My previous mistakes have been a source of growth and by while rewriting this post I was able to relearn what I need to focus on and work on. As a man, I will encourage other man around me (and I hope they also encourage me) to focus in acquiring these qualities. That way we will become good man for the good women that we are looking for.
REFERENCES:
[1] John Paul II, Fides et Ratio. http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio.html
So, I was talking with a friend of mine today and somehow she ended up telling me about a friend of hers that I should meet. This friend of hers (she told me) is very religious and that is why I should meet her. To be honest, I run away from very religious people... Crazy! I know! Considering I am very religious myself! I just don't like very religious people.
Well, I'm not being fair here. I do admire and wish to be like people who are very religious BUT who are also very reason oriented. That is, I don't like people that "blindly follow religion". I treat them with reverence and charity, but I don't feel comfortable with them. It's quite the dichotomy... I myself am very religious... You know that... But I am also a person of Science and Engineering (I was born for this). Reason has a huge role to play the way I lead my life. But so does faith.
For me, as a scientist and a believer, Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth; and God has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth—in a word, to know himself—so that, by knowing and loving God, men and women may also come to the fullness of truth about themselves.[1]
Anyway, thinking about about love in a relationship, I remember an entry I wrote (in Spanish) a long time ago (August 3rd, 2011!) and which I didn't translate to English. I though it was a good time to do it know.
In many occasions, I have heard how some of my friends (who are girls) ask themselves things like "Why is it so difficult to find a good man? Where are the good men? Why Do I always find the wrong guy?" And things like that.
I'm no love guru. Moreover, many of the people I know would even go as far as to say that I am an ignorant whenever the subject of relationships comes into play. It is understandable given my 'little experience' in this field. Nevertheless, a love relationship between a man and a woman, like a fraternal, filial, or paternal relationship, has behind it the same premises to be able to live it authentically. It is not only through one's own experience that one learns. I think we can learn from other's experiences. Whether they come from oral tradition (like family and friends), or through books.
I know I have still a lot to work in order to become someone just, wise, and loving as my father or other amazing men I have had the blessing to meet. Nevertheless, I still want to share with you what I have been able to learn (according to my Catholic faith, because, let's face it, I am Catholic) on what is it that makes a good man, good. (As a small parenthesis, I do not consider myself anywhere near close to this ideal good man)
I believe that a good man needs to see the dating period as an activity that will lead to marriage. He cannot see it as a "thing you just do." He needs to have a real intent to allow this dating period to become serious and take responsibility for the love that might develop. He needs to be capable to look for a woman with the purpose to find someone that could be an adequate partner for marriage. He needs to be capable to take the decision to live with her a life of love, compromise, and responsibility in the sacrament of marriage.
It is for these reasons that a good man cannot be afraid of commitment. Yes, we have to acknowledge that a certain level of 'apprehension' is natural: Nevertheless, it is a nervousness that does not need to disturb the the development of the capacity to act for Love. And it is this engagement that propels the good man to take the concept of being the seeker with seriousness and good will since he know that to search for the heart of one he loves is a role and a task for all his life. The good man looks to make the woman he loves feel special and he cannot stop to search for her even when he has already found her (that is, when they are married).
Obviously, during this search, the good man know that he will be rejected multiple times before finding the right person. Nevertheless, the good man accepts the rejection with elegance and with respect, never trying to inflict negativity in the woman for her decision because he recognizes that an authentic search is always done with charity and chastity (in other words, far from lust or control). It is a selfless search, where he seeks the good and the happiness of the woman, even at the risk of being rejected; but, by the same token, the good man needs to be willing to try to search for the woman he loves again after an initial rejection. Sometimes, a rejection is only part of playing hard to get. The woman may not know how to interpret the search of the man; she may even be tempted to reject him because she's uncertain. The good man is intelligent and observes this, and is willing to accept risk of rejection, even through multiple times. That is why, the good man know that the moment to present himself is important since he doesn't want to be taken as stalker or make the woman feel uncomfortable; and if there is doubt, he accepts the initial rejection with dignity and keeps moving forward.
The good man is humble. He always keeps in mind that the woman must also deal with his inconsistencies; that is why he is willing to practice patience, which is a virtue that is acquired throughout life. The good man needs to be willing to grow in patience throughout the dating period and during marriage because if he doesn't, he runs the risk of becoming a scourge for the woman he loves instead of a blessing. And humbleness and patience grow in the good man when the go together with docility, which is a critical ability in the role of a husband within the context of marriage. This skill to tolerate and to compromise makes the good man someone who is not too rigid nor too lax in his way of acting with his partner.
All it is all these characteristics that make the good man someone worthy of trust. He knows how to lead and he knows how to work hard and focus in resolving his own problems. He also know how to share them with the woman that God put in his way and this type of sharing allows the women to know that she is dealing with a man that is responsible of himself, someone who irradiates security. This security comes from the fact that the good man knows himself and keeps his self-respect, his dignity, and his trust in that Good loves him. Because of this, the good man has to take the initiative in the relationship to make sure to get rid of pornography or any other impurity in his life. He tries to be someone chaste and pure.
Finally, the good man has a vocation to serve others. Marriage implies a life where one serves, where one looks after his wife's happiness, well-being, and peace. For this last one, the good man needs to have inner peace; and inner peace comes only from a strong prayer life. The good man remains connected to the Lord, his Church, and the sacraments, specially confession and the Eucharist. A poor prayer life takes man to seek himself, and disconnects him from the fountain of grace. It is impossible to live the spousal love without having Christ as his center. And in order for Christ to the its center, he needs to know him and he needs to know that he is called to live in the sacrament of marriage; and to know this, the good man studies and memorizes the teachings of the Church about the end and purpose of marriage.
I think this is a good guideline that we can use to allows us to know whenever we have a good man in front of us. I am lucky enough to have in my life people who have embodied all of this characteristics. Sure, they have their defects and they are definitely not perfect... But they are a great example of a good man. Me, as a man, I still have a lot of work to do. Yes... But I am working on it. My previous mistakes have been a source of growth and by while rewriting this post I was able to relearn what I need to focus on and work on. As a man, I will encourage other man around me (and I hope they also encourage me) to focus in acquiring these qualities. That way we will become good man for the good women that we are looking for.
REFERENCES:
[1] John Paul II, Fides et Ratio. http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091998_fides-et-ratio.html
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