How do you like to be comforted?

Καλή μέρα, Δ.Α.!

So... I am awake. It's 2:37am and I cannot sleep. Have you ever gone through that. Normally, I would pray the rosary to go back to sleep. But now, it just didn't work. I'll try again later after writing this. It shouldn't take long.

You know, today I decided to buy a couple of hamburgers so that my family could eat something for dinner (I just ate half because I'm on a diet... Go figure!). While I was waiting for my order, I noticed that there were at least 3 turn that needed to be served before me. Interestingly, the 3rd person got served before the first two. Obviously, the people that arrived 1st and 2nd got annoyed. The first customer said to the girl at the counter "At least give the fries to start eating something!" The 2nd customer was constantly looking at her watch and also started talking negatively about the service. Apparently they had been waiting almost 20min and I guess they were probably stressed, and hungry, and in a hurry. So I can understand their dissatisfaction. The girl at the counter did try to tell them that she was waiting for their complete order to finish before giving them what they had paid for. I guess I can understand that too. The customers behind me were also talking badly about the girl for doing her job. You know I worked for a time at a fast food restaurant when I first got to Canada. It is not an easy job. So, instead of lecturing the people in front and behind me (which I had no place doing anyway), I told the girl once I got my order: "Hey, I know it may not mean much, but thank you for your hard work. I know what you do is not easy. Have a good day." The girl replied with a happy thank you.

Comfort.

This experience got me thinking about the way I provide comfort and how I like to be comforted. It also made me remember about my previous relationships. It got me thinking about what I should have done to make my relationship work by trying to understand how my partner wanted me to behave when they were sad, or stressed, or down.

I believe we all want to be reassured . It's part of one of our inherent psychological needs: The need to feel secure, to know that we are loved. That is, to know that someone thinks that it is good that I exist. But at the same time, because each one of us is a completely different world, we all want to be reassured in different ways. The problem is (that is something that has happened to me in repeated occasions), we don't always realize this about one another.

When I've tried to offer comfort to someone, I have tried different options that work for me with varying degrees of success because, unsurprisingly, all of us want to be comforted in quite different ways. I've learned that not all of them work for everyone (but I still tend to forget and need a constant reminder of this):

• Being Offered Solutions: This one is my number one pick because, as a man, I tend to find solutions to the problems that others have and, as engineer and as a scientist, it is hardcoded in my modus operandi. However, not everybody searches for a solution to their problems.
• Being Offered Optimism: This one is a closer runner up due to my religious upbringing. My outlook in life is dramatic-optimistic. That is, while I recognize the world is a hard place, I can always look with a supernatural outlook to find hope in all circumstances of life. Nevertheless, I know looking at the bright side of things can irritate some people.
• Being Offered Pessimism: When I realized that people are not ok with the first two, I try to put myself in their shoes and try to understand the 'why' of their negative outlook and validate their feelings. But with that, sometimes, it triggers a negative reaction in the person I try to console because they are not happy with the current state of events.
• Being Offered Practical Help: Again, due to my engineering side, I try to find creative and potential feasible actions to comfort someone. But like in the first case, not everyone searches for a practical solution to their problems.

The fact of the matter is that, in many occasions, none of the ways I like to be comforted work for other people. That is why, it is important for me to search harder for ways to comfort others. Look, I know I am not psychologist, but I feel like I have learned a lot through the experiences and the people I've met these past couple of years. Through research, soul search, and lots of prayer, I've realized that I cannot solve everything and that I need to (just) listen what the other has to say.

• Being Listened To: That is something that I am still trying to get the hang of it. To ask for questions. Try to let the other express what they have inside of them. Exchange feelings, but above all, let them know that I am open to listen to them. It's hard for me to do this point since I tend to talk a lot and I tend to not listen. I am still a work in progress, but I think I am doing a good enough job for the time being.
• Being Offered Cuddles: This one is something that I deeply regret with my long distance relationships. It was something that I couldn't do even when I know how effective it has been for me (through my family). I feel that is a big thing that I never considered and which ultimately affected my relationships.

Part of love means knowing how to offer the other person affection in a form that works for them. And, on top of that (or actually, holding hands with this), really, we need to take the time to communicate the distinctive ways we best like to be comforted in our moments of crisis.
I really believe this and it is something that I am trying my best to achieve with those that surround me. It's not easy, but I really hope that I can become wise enough to be able to identify this.