Emotional Resolution

Χαρουμενα Χριστουγεννα!, Δ.Α.!

A new year comes to a close. While there were may things that were good, and others that were not, there is one thing in particular that sticks like a sore thumb. I want to be honest with you, this one event really did question the health of my own psyche. I will share with you something that got me really down and which will shed a light on who I was this year.

>>I still dont understand how you could do it to me....i made my mistake once..but you were writing these girls again and again and searching since january for a new one
>>It shouldnt wonder me now why you were so distracted ..you probably mixed up all of us...there were so many...like new day, new girl...why you wanted me to make this effort to visit you...you were playing not only with my emotions but also with my health...
>>Nobody before behave to me in a such awful way..cheat on me so bad
>>I hope for your next "big love" you will be a better man...and this was a proof what i told you all the time
>>Your thousand of words means nothing if you know the real actions of this person...why this all i love you, i miss you if you were all the time searching
>>Have you thought i will never again look at this profile?
>>And you told me that you were so busy that you hadnt time to write me..only few short messages and with them you were writing your poems...so an awful behaviour...and you tell me you are Catholic? I thought people who believe in God
>>Live according to ten commandments
>>But this what you did it was even worse than a normal atheist
>>I dont know who you can call yourself a Catholic...and also at this point i am hapoy that i am not going to the church...that something is protecting me to not to meet such people
>>It was a good lesson for me..thank you for that...i have learned dont trust man...so i can stick by that...i only hope that i wont never ever meet somebody like you again on my way

These were the last few messages I got from a person I was trying to establish a relationship with this person while also being a long distance relationship. I never really got to be in a relationship with this person, I thought I really wanted to. But my actions did not show that. I really tried, there were a lot of things that frustrated me and while I thought I was really trying, the fact of still writing other girls was not good. I did love this person, but I did not love correctly... Because I was still searching for you. Searching for you in a place that was marked by the absence of you.


As you can see, I was a monster...
I really hurt this person whom I love...


I really wish I could ask this person to forgive me. I really wish I could do anything in my power to atone for all the pain I caused. I cannot ask for forgiveness. I cannot atone for my sins. I was blocked from everything means of communication with this person. Maybe one day, if the Good Lord allows me, I will be able to sit down face to face with this person and ask for forgiveness. Until then, I know I will have to answer before our Lord when I meet Him face to face about this... I can only pray for this person's happiness and keep walking...

You know, even to this day I feel like a hypocrite to be talking about praying and God after seeing what I did. I know there is always two sides of a story and if a love story doesn't work is because the two parties were at fault. But I am putting forward this event, that hurts, to let you know a part of my past that has left a deep scar in my soul.


That being said, one thing this person did say is that I need to become a better man. 2017 has shown me that I am far away from that ideal and I need to work on my emotional maturity. That is why I have a couple of resolutions for this new year:

1. Don't expect others to mind read
• I will be more honest with what is on my mind. I should have told this person I felt lonely and that long distance was not working for me instead of keeping my online profile still active. 
• I will stop having others guess, and then get angry and be secretive on the things I do when they get me wrong or don't understand me.
2. Less Sulking
• I really tried not to make this person feel bad whenever we would argue. But I did poured that anger unto my family. I will not make others feel bad.
3. Not taking it all personally
• This one is still something that I haven't been able to do yet. I think I will still blame myself for my past mistakes. As far as I am concerned, the other party made their best effort and I dropped the ball. That being said, I will make my best effort to stop supposing I am to blame. I am little by little getting the hang of it.
•  I will stop to be so sensitive about everything.
4. Be less avoidant
• Difficult feelings make me run away. The fact that I didn't know where I was standing with this person probably affected my behavior. I should have been more straightforward like this person was with me.
• I need to stop to create well defended fortresses around me. I need to let the people I love in my innermost self.
5. Be a better teacher
• Δ, you help me realize much about who I am... And most of these Laurel Tree Chronicles are inspired by you. The person I hurt also taught me a lot. I want to do the same. 
• I know when I get scared and anxious I won't reach anyone... That is why, to become a better teacher to get my feelings across is important.
6. Realize it's anger, not a lack of desire, what stop my progress
• Angry at myself for getting things not right... Which manifest in numbness and lukewarmness when looking to become a better man.
7. End to self-righteousness
• This is an interesting one, because the person I was trying to date did read at times my blog and that person told me that I appeared as self-righteous... But you know what? I'm a complete asshole. I'm a monster. I'm an idiot. That can still be loved... But who needs a lot of mercy to patience to deal with.
• I know, at one point or another, I'll cause the people I love some pain without really wanting to. But I will do my best not to do that.

I may not be able to keep all my resolutions. I am well aware of that. What matters is that I keep trying to grow up emotionally... and in the meantime, keep striving to forgive myself and those around me when we fail.


Ευτυχισμένο νέο έτος, Δ.Α.. May the new year be a happy and healthy one.