Totally Yours

It was a Saturday night; somewhere close to Crescent street; sometime around 11pm. A group of friends (Three couples and one single guy -guess who was that?) was having a nice get-together in a Latin place with a 1 L bottle of Rum, some coke cans and a small bottle of orange juice (oddly enough, there were no beers).

Everything went well until one of the girls made a comment that once again trigger the question of my own vocation:

You know, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend because we would only have sex once a week. I mean, what is that? I cannot be in a relationship like that... In the end, I ended up looking at him just as a good friend...

Ok. Maybe those were not her exact words (I'm paraphrasing here). Nevertheless, the cold shock that remark gave me still reverberates through the corridors of my memory. Call me naive, call me childish, call me however you like: That is not love.
My good friend Luis, noticing my disconcerted face (which had a not-so-small opening between the upper and lower maxilla), tried to console me by telling me that he respected very much my believes (That, in fact, made my jaw drop a couple of centimeters more), followed by something that I have been told many, MANY, times before:

You keep on being like you are. You are a good man. The girl that is to be with you is going to be a very lucky girl.

Even after he said that, it took me a while until I could shake off the feeling that maybe there was something wrong with me. I mean, by no means I'm a knight in shiny armor (I fall from my horse from time to time) nor I'm an ugly duckling that became a swan (I'm just an acceptable and honorable duck). So why should that girl be 'lucky' to be with me? I have seen countless of people older than me (really good people) that are still single. Why is it that these good people (and some of them really good looking!) are still walking in their original solitude? Only the Good Lord, who knows the deepest parts of our hearts, is able to ascertain that. What it is clear from this is that it is imperative that we answer the call to our own vocation. We will not gain anything from keeping our arms crossed waiting for the right person. We have to do our best in order to reach that which we hope for. And it's circumstances like the one I exposed at the beginning that make us realize that the answer to our own Vocation is something that must be done with a certain sense of urgency.
That is why today, on the eve of All Saint's day, I wanted to make a small prayer. A prayer disguised as love letter. A love letter to someone that I haven't meet... yet.

Being honest, I do believe that one of the finer things in life is to pray for someone you haven't met.

So, I'll start it: In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Lord, you know my heart is not arrogant. Maybe when I was younger it was, but your divine pedagogy has been 'super effective' thus far. You know that I do not set my sights too high apart from my ideal of achieving sanctity. I try not to undertake affairs which are beyond my scope. No, Lord, you know me. You know that I hold myself in quiet and silence, like a little child in its mother's arms. That is why I come to you today, on the eve of All Saint's day, to pray for someone very important for me. (Saint dudes, since I'm making this prayer on a special time, I'm also counting on you to intercede for me to the Lord our God).

I want to make this time of prayer as a personal message to that lady. Whoever she may be. Wherever she may be. So, could you please relay this message to her? The thoughts will probably reach her, but I'm counting on you so that the feelings may too. 

Hi!

The person who is writing these lines to you is a young man that, like everyone else, recognizes himself as fragile and limited. Right now, what I'm writing I'm doing it through the crystal of the Gospel that guides my life and that I'm still trying to polish. And, although many may think of me as a good guy, I'm also in the fight to become each day more coherent with the faith that I proclaim. I'm putting my feelings in the open not to boast nor to look for pity. I'm putting them into words because I want to reach you somehow with this voice; I want to give hope to those weaker than me by telling them that there are still people truly looking to live love the way it was meant to be lived; I want to make those that are in couples reflect on the grace that they have been blessed with; I want to make those who are married remember what it was like to fight for the one your love.

It would be very easy, very comfortable, and cowardly, to say "Why should I pray for someone that I haven't met yet?", "Why should I remain chaste for someone when they probably don't share that same view on chastity that I have?" "No... That's being naive. I'm not going to do that. That's impossible".  I won't deny it, it is something difficult; but I also believe that there are no impossibles, only incapable people. I believe that one's courage is shown when one undertakes difficult tasks. In this case, that would be to keep my own word to Christ and to you, the girl that is my destiny; it's hard because it's a duty (and also a proof of my inner maturity); it's courageous because it is the expression of my personal dignity. And believe it, I will not go back on my word. That is the path that I have decided to walk.

Now that you know how important this is for me, I'll say this bluntly: I want to share my life with you. I want to live that Trinitarian love that we are all called to live out in a way that can attract people to God. Would that be enough for you to love me? Well, I can tell you something for sure: I'll definitely spend the rest of my life to figure it out. It will be the rest of my life that will tell. Even if this love may be in vain, we are connected after all, aren't we?

I just said 'Even if this love may be in vain'. I do not say it because I might not find you. Oh, no! With the Grace of God, I will find you. Somewhere. Sometime. Even if I have to search the world over. I'm sure of it. Believe it! I know you're out there somewhere. The problem here lies within me. Maybe I still haven't met you. Perhaps I'm starting to get to know you. I may even have not realized that you are 'the-one' and you probably haven't noticed that it's me you're looking for. I don't know... But it is this uncertainty that causes a sensible pain that sometimes breaks me and it gets me discouraged. That is why, I would like to ask you just one small favor: To pray for both of us (I'm also doing it), so that the Holy Spirit can guide our hearts towards each other.

I want to tell you that I'm praying for you without asking for anything, aside from praying for us. It's certainly very little if you think about it. Each count of my rosary that I do for you it's a little, nameless, unremembered act of love... a small thing that I do with great love and faith. Because I believe that faith and prayer are powerful. They can influence history. Sometimes I feel like I'm reaching you when I see you in my dreams. Dreams that are scattered in time. But I'm sure you also share the same shards of those dreams. So, believe it, I'm not going to stop praying for you anytime soon.

The things that I have told you, the things that I want to tell you and the things that I'll tell you are things said because the compass of my heart is pointing, and will always point, to the Lord. So I'll be looking forward to the day when I can look at that same horizon with you. Until then, I'll be united, in prayer, to you in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Ok Lord. That's what I was thinking within the silence of my conscience. You don't have to give me anything because I love you since, as the title of this post says, I'm all yours. I'll continue to believe you. I'll continue to believe IN you. I'll continue searching and hoping against all hope. I'll continue to be firm and steadfast, without being dismayed or being fearful, since I know you are with me wherever I go. Just let me tell you one last thing Lord: Even if that which I hope for I wouldn't hope for, the same way I love you now I would love you then.

Amen.